Day
Forty Five
‘The
law is an ass….’
When Lord Denning said that, he wasn’t
implying the Law was foolish, although that’s how it’s frequently
interpreted. He was explaining that the
law has to bear many heavy burdens, including when people bring claims to court
which are downright stupid.
But with laws like the following,
Denning’s words could be taken either way.
It’s still the case in the UK, that beached whales, dolphins and sturgeons (the source of caviar) must be offered to
the Monarch first. In 2004 a man who
caught a 113 Kg (250 Sturgeon did just that.
The Queen declined,
saying she’d already arrange to have beans on toast for tea.
The fish, nicknamed
Stanley is now in the Natural History Museum in London.
Incredibly, the
fisherman was then subject to a police investigation based on the mediaeval
(1300) law, which states that deliberately catching a sturgeon is illegal.
Other bizarre
legislation from 1313 makes it illegal to wear armour in Parliament; to be drunk in charge of
cattle and “to handle a salmon in suspicious circumstances”. ‘Evening Officer, this
salmon asked me to keep it warm under my coat.’
You’ll also be carpeted if you beat or shake any rug or mat, although
you can beat the living daylights out of a doormat as long as it’s
before 8am.
As if that isn’t enough, the police can feel your collar for flying kites, playing annoying games and sliding on ice or snow in the street.
If you’re late for work, don’t jump the queue in the Tube ticket hall,
that too is illegal.
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| The courageous Jack Churchill |
One man who took this law seriously was ‘Fighting Jack’ (some called him ‘Mad Jack’)
Churchill DSO & Bar, MC & Bar,
who fought gallantly in the Second World War with sword and long bow.
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| Mad Jack leading a charge. Extreme right - with sword |
Some of these laws would
drive you mad but under but The
Madhouses Act 1774 it’s an offence to keep more than one lunatic without a
licence.
Another law brought in during the
1300’s, referred to Bubonic Plague and made it illegal to enter a public
carriage. That law was repealed, to be
replaced by the Public Health (Control of Disease) Act 1984 but that section is still in force and
tragically relevant today.
“No person who is known to be
suffering from a notifiable infectious disease may enter a bus or taxi without
notifying the driver.”
If all this sounds too risky, don’t think emigrating to the USA will
help. In Colorado, you can own a
catapult but can't use it, worse you can’t fire flaming arrows
either. I think they’ve been watching too many western movies.
In Yorkshire, where I
and fish and chips originated, most people prefer to eat them with their
(previously washed one hopes) fingers.
In Georgia,
they’ve gone further. It’s actually illegal to eat fried chicken with utensils
of any kind. Finger lickin’ good only.
In Connecticut pickles must
bounce! Connecticut’s Food and Drug Commissioner says
they should bounce when dropped from the height of one foot. Mmm, but would you really
want to eat them afterwards?
In Salem, where, you may
remember, they used to burn witches,
it’s wise not to have a house fire. If
you and your spouse leap naked from your bed to escape the flames, you’ve
committed a crime. It's illegal for a married couple to sleep nude.
No mention
of what happens if you’re not married. Maybe in Salem they can’t imagine people
could ever sleep in the same bed before marriage, unless the devil made them do
it.
Don’t try to sell your
children in Florida,
however annoying they are and if your grandparents live in Vermont, remind them
that grandma must get written permission from her spouse before she can wear
false teeth.
Planning to travel to Japan any time soon? Think twice if you have a nasal allergy or a bunged up nose. Vicks inhalers and over-the-counter sinus medications are banned.
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| If only he'd give me that dratted letter I could look like Sophia Loren |
Planning to travel to Japan any time soon? Think twice if you have a nasal allergy or a bunged up nose. Vicks inhalers and over-the-counter sinus medications are banned.
Dressing like this in Saudi Arabia, Jamaica and
Barbados, can get you sent to the glasshouse.
Some myths about the law include:
‘Women
cannot each chocolate on public transport.'
Totally untrue according to the experts at Cadbury's.
It is illegal to destroy money. No,
it’s not but if you deface money by writing on it or drawing a moustache on the
Queen - that IS illegal under Currency and Banknotes Act 1928.
One popular myth is that you can
happily get off your face on ganja in Jamaica.
It’s illegal to use or possess
Mary Jane, Dak, Grass or Weed, although the Jamaican government has made
special provision for genuine use by those following the Rastafarian religion, in which cannabis is an important part. 
