Day Forty Five

‘The law is an ass….’

When Lord Denning said that, he wasn’t implying the Law was foolish, although that’s how it’s frequently interpreted.  He was explaining that the law has to bear many heavy burdens, including when people bring claims to court which are downright stupid.

But with laws like the following, Denning’s words could be taken either way.

It’s still the case in the UK, that beached whales, dolphins and sturgeons (the source of caviar) must be offered to the Monarch first.  In 2004 a man who caught a 113 Kg (250 Sturgeon did just that.

The Queen declined, saying she’d already arrange to have beans on toast for tea.

The fish, nicknamed Stanley is now in the Natural History Museum in London.

Incredibly, the fisherman was then subject to a police investigation based on the mediaeval (1300) law, which states that deliberately catching a sturgeon is illegal.  

Other bizarre legislation from 1313 makes it illegal to wear armour in Parliament; to be drunk in charge of cattle and “to handle a salmon in suspicious circumstances”.     ‘Evening Officer, this salmon asked me to keep it warm under my coat.’

 Next time you’re down the Fox and Ferret for a bevvy with the boys, remember it’s illegal to be intoxicated in a pub, or for the landlord to serve anyone who is obviously drunk. Some landlords turn a blinde eye to the pie-eyed but that 1872,  Licensing Act is still in force. But rarely enforced.

 It’s no wonder The Met need more boots on the ground, they’re constantly stopping joiners, cleaners and small Victorian children.   It’s illegal to carry a plank, ladder, wheel, pole, cask, placard or hoop along a pavement in the Metropolitan Police District.

You’ll also be carpeted if you beat or shake any rug or mat, although you can beat the living daylights out of a doormat as long as it’s before 8am.

As if that isn’t enough, the police can feel your collar for  flying kites, playing annoying games and sliding on ice or snow in the street.

If you’re late for work, don’t jump the queue in the Tube ticket hall, that too is illegal.

 Due to the sad decline of archery skills, the Unlawful Games Act of 1541 was brought in. It required every Englishman younger than 60  to keep a longbow and regularly practice archery.  This law, whilst revised in 1943 was not repealed until 1960.  

The courageous Jack Churchill

One man who took this law seriously was  ‘Fighting Jack’ (some called him ‘Mad Jack’) Churchill DSO & Bar, MC & Bar, who fought gallantly in the Second World War  with sword and  long bow.

Mad Jack leading a charge. Extreme right - with sword

Some of these laws would drive you mad but under but The Madhouses Act 1774 it’s an offence to keep more than one lunatic without a licence.

Another law brought in during the 1300’s, referred to Bubonic Plague and made it illegal to enter a public carriage.  That law was repealed, to be replaced by the Public Health (Control of Disease) Act 1984 but that section is still in force and tragically relevant today.

“No person who is known to be suffering from a notifiable infectious disease may enter a bus or taxi without notifying the driver.”  

If all this sounds too risky, don’t think emigrating to the USA will help.  In Colorado, you can own a catapult but can't use it, worse you can’t fire flaming arrows either. I think they’ve been watching too many western movies.

In Yorkshire, where I and fish and chips originated, most people prefer to eat them with their (previously washed one hopes) fingers.  In Georgia, they’ve gone further. It’s actually illegal to eat fried chicken with utensils of any kind. Finger lickin’ good only.

In Connecticut pickles must bounce!   Connecticut’s Food and Drug Commissioner  says  they should bounce when dropped from the height of one foot.   Mmm, but would you really want to eat them afterwards?

 

In Salem, where, you may remember,  they used to burn witches, it’s wise not to have a house fire.   If you and your spouse leap naked from your bed to escape the flames, you’ve committed a crime.   It's illegal for a married couple to sleep nude.

No mention of what happens if you’re not married. Maybe in Salem they can’t imagine people could ever sleep in the same bed before marriage, unless the devil made them do it.

 Don’t try to sell your children in Florida, however annoying they are and if your grandparents live in Vermont, remind them that grandma must get written permission from her spouse before she can wear false teeth.

If only he'd give me that dratted letter I could look like Sophia Loren

Planning to travel to Japan any time soon? Think twice if you have a nasal allergy or a bunged up nose. Vicks inhalers and over-the-counter sinus medications are banned.

Dressing like this in Saudi Arabia, Jamaica and Barbados, can get you sent to the glasshouse.

 Some myths about the law include:

‘Women cannot each chocolate on public transport.' 

Totally untrue according to the experts at Cadbury's.

It is illegal to destroy money. No, it’s not but if you deface money by writing on it or drawing a moustache on the Queen - that IS illegal under Currency and Banknotes Act 1928.

One popular myth is that you can happily get off your face on ganja in Jamaica.

It’s illegal to use or possess Mary Jane, Dak, Grass or Weed, although the Jamaican government has made special provision for genuine use by those following the Rastafarian religion, in which cannabis is an important part.

https://www.lawcom.gov.uk/app/uploads/2015/03/Legal_Oddities.pdf

Day Forty Four

In the beginning……..

Maori myths and legends are a rich heritage source in Aotearoa-New Zealand.  

Like all Creation stories, they begin with nothing, a void, Te Kore.

Gradually, through many stages, the light arrives and  then the earth and sky: Papatūānuku the Earth Mother and Ranginui, the Sky Father.  Often shortened to Rangi and Papa.

In contrast to many other cultural myths, there’s a great deal of humour in Maori legend, which nearly always seeks to explain ‘why things are’.  

For instance, in Maori legend it’s not the face of the man in the moon you can see, but woman.

Rona, on her way by moonlight to fetch water is hurrying down the path to the river when the Moon (Marama) goes behind a cloud. 

The sudden darkness causes her to trip over a root of the Ngaio tree and break the pot she was carrying.  

Angrily, and probably in quite un-ladylike language she yells at Marama, who scoops her up.  So that’s why we see a face in the moon, it’s Rona.  

But back to the beginning.

Rangi protects Papa,  his partner by holding her close and between them, live their 70 children.

As all children do eventually, they want freedom.

The sons discuss this and impetuous, warlike Tu-matuenga (Tu) wants to kill his parents but Tane-mahuta (Tane)  the god of forests, argues against this unnecessary violence, saying they should simply push them apart.

Tumatuenga - god of war

All agree except Tawhiri-matea, god of the winds and weather who thinks his parents should be allowed to stay together.

But the parting goes ahead and after many of the brothers try and fail, Tane succeeds by lying on his back and pushing upwards until Rangi,  weeping with grief at the loss of his darling, is far above.

Tane separates his parents

Tangaroa - god of the oceans

Tawhirimatea is so angry he sends hurricanes to knock down Tane’s trees, harries  his other siblings and drives Tangaroa, god of the sea and his progeny into the ocean. 

For every aspect of the natural world, there is a god, a child of Rangi and Papa but it’s  Maui the Trickster who is beloved by children and adults alike.   

Maui is a rascal, a demi-god. His exploits are often humorous and usually to the benefit of humans.

When he decides the days need to be longer, he throws a net over the Sun to slow him down and stop him sinking into the sea.

He tricks his grandmother, Mahuika, goddess of fire,  into giving him a flame from her fingers, so everyone can have cooked food and warmth in winter.

When Maui goes fishing, his waka (canoe) is the South Island (Te Wai Pounāmu) and during this epic trip, his catch is the North Island, forever after known as The Fish of Maui (Te Ika ā Maui)

However, his daring and cheekiness are his undoing.

In his desire to help humans  become immortal, he decides to crawl into the body of Hine-nui-te-po, the goddess of the night who receives souls after death.  

 By doing this, he hopes to stop death itself.

He waits until she is asleep and then crawling between her legs, disguised as a worm, he starts his journey upwards.

The fantail, seeing this comical sight cannot help but laugh and this wakens Hinenui who is so angry she crushes Maui with the obsidian teeth in her vagina. 

 

But Maui lives on, immortal and beloved in the many Maori legends.

Day Forty Three

Humanity’s biggest mistake is that we believe what we are told.

Have you ever noticed how many things don’t make sense?

For instance, the glib, ‘If I can do it, anyone can.’

Really?

With enough determination and perseverance I can become Queen of England?

 I don’t think so.

It may seem an encouraging sentence but actually it’s setting people up for failure.

We don’t all have the same strengths, or opportunities, or luck.

The speaker may have had many challenges but pushed through and achieved their goals.  Great,  but many millions try and try again and still don’t make it to where they dream to be.

That expression goes hand in hand with the equally crazy  ‘You can be anything you want to be.’   Don’t be so ridiculous!  

 I couldn’t dance with the Royal Ballet, not even when I was younger and loving my ballet lessons. My genetic heritage designed me to be dumpy.

 Determined but dumpy.

 So whilst I may have dreamed of dancing with Rudolph Nureyev, no amount of punishing practice at the barre was ever going to achieve that.

How many parents trot out this dangerous lie to their children? How many children fail to see through the untruth and feel ashamed when they didn’t make it?  

I have dyscalculia, something which even today is rarely recognised.  I sweated night after night over my arithmetic lessons, knowing I didn’t, couldn’t understand how to do it. Like many dyslexic kids, I was labelled stupid because, ‘anyone can do simple sums liked that!’

‘I taught myself Chinese.’

‘I taught myself how to read.’

Poppycock ! Here’s proof.

沒有別人的幫助，您將永遠無法理解這一點。

Assuming you don’t already understand Chinese, does that make sense to you? You could stare at those characters for ever but in order to learn what they mean and how to use them correctly (not to mention the idioms and grammar, so important to language),  you’d need help.   

   

 Just before lockdown, I was at a party and a complete stranger came up to me and said, ‘Don’t I know you?’

What did he expect me to say?

(puts on spooky voice) ‘I have psychically trawled through your memory banks, found the ‘guest list’ and I’m not on it, so no, you don’t know me’.

 ‘Am I in the right place?’

‘Well, sir, if you wanted to be on a billionaire’s yacht sipping Pina Colada, no you’re not but if you were actually looking for the Gents, then yes, you are.

‘I know what you’re thinking’ and ‘I know what you’re going to say’ 

I’m always tempted to stop the pompous prat in mid flow and say, ‘All right then, tell me what I’m thinking, I never knew you were a mind reader.’

How about, ‘He can’t be dead, I only saw him last week!’

I know this is simply an expression of shock but it always makes me think the speaker had somehow conferred immortality on the deceased last time they met and is quite offended they’ve passed away as an act of defiance.

Over the years, I’ve realised  both WW1 and WW2, were won by adolescents, some as young as 12.

So many times I’ve read that Dad, Granddad or Uncle Fred lied about their age to get into the army.

This may well have been true in a few cases where tall and eager young lads knocked a year or so off their ages but in 1916, there was such a reluctance to join up,  the UK government sent out Press Gangs to round up eligible men off the streets.  I doubt they went into schools - but you never know.

‘You can only be healthy if you’re thin.’ This has been so often disproved in numerous studies, I’m not even going to argue with such nonsense.

William Perry, ‘The Fridge’, defensive lineman in the NFL (American football) weighed in at 330 lbs/152kilos . A top athlete, runner and football star for many years.

William Perry. One of many millions of big, fit, healthy athletes.

  

‘In ancient times, people didn’t live as long as we do today.’   Really?

In Psalm 90.v 10 it says, ‘The days of our years are threescore years and ten; and if by reason of strength they be fourscore years, yet is their strength labour and sorrow.’   

Moses, hardly a spring chicken himself at the time, wrote those words. 

The Israelites were wandering about in the desert, hardly in a position to command the best health care and food but obvioulsy still tottering about in their 70s and 80s. 

I know that in each case, this is not the whole picture but this was never intended to be a serious article.  Just don’t believe everything you’re told, okay?

Day Forty Two

A Yorkshire childhood

I didn’t have the benefit of grandparents as a child but we lived next door to a large family, where the grandfather had been a sailor.   His wife and family had heard his seafaring anecdotes a hundred times and treated them with bored indulgence but I never tired of them.

 In most homes, the front room was kept for ‘best’.  It was regularly cleaned and polished but used on very few occasions. 

Families ate in the back room where the huge black kitchen range kept everything warm and cosy and where all the cooking took place.

The family gathered round the table for each meal and it was in this room, often to the sound of the Billy Cotton Band show, that Dad had his doze by the fire after Sunday dinner.  It was also  where we all relaxed in the evening, listening to the wireless or playing snakes and ladders. 

 In fact, it was where we did most of our living. Not suprising then that we called it a Living Room.

Pop and Nana; I never knew them by any other names;  lived in the front room of the terrace house.  

Their bed took up one wall and was covered with a bright quilt hand sewn by Nana.  There was a glass-doored china cabinet filled with beautiful ornaments and figurines, which on special occasions and under strict supervision, I could take out and hold.  

On the hearth, the most amazing thing of all - a brass alligator.

Alligator nut cracker

 I spent a lot of time with Nana and Pop, sitting on Nana’s knee as she read a magazine, commenting sarcastically on the articles and pictures of film stars. ‘Just look at that flighty piece, showing all she’s got.  I wonder if ‘er mother knaws she wears dresses like that?’ 

But best of all, I loved to sit on a small upholstered buffett by Pop’s knee, listening to his stories. 

First he would fill his pipe, puff on it until it was well alight and clouds of smoke filled the air, then he'd wink at me. ‘Is ta ready fer a story then?’  

   Of course I was.

‘When I were in India,’ he’d begin and I was immediately transported from the back streets of Bradford to some exotic city where the aroma of spices filled the air.

‘We were watching this magician who reckoned he could mek fowk disappear. Well, me and me mates stood there and this bloke played a whistle,  an’ a rope came up off’t ground and started going up and up…’

‘Was someone pulling it, Pop?’

‘Nay lass, it were going up all by itssen, like a snake.’  Here, his hand wove upwards into the air, ‘then this little lad, dressed in nowt but ‘is ippins started to climb up it.’ 

 (ippins = nappy)

 ‘But how could he do that, if no one was holding the rope?’

‘Nah, that’s where’t magic comes in, it’s called the Indian Rope Trick.  Anyroad, as we were watching all this, a monkey, no bigger than one o’ your dollies, were running abaht. He were wearing a little red weskit and one of them hats,’ he turned to Nana, ‘what they called, Mother?’

‘A fez’, Nana replied, not looking up from her knitting.

‘Aye, that’s the one, a fez. It’s like a puddin’ basin.   He kept tekin it off so we could put coins in it. He’d run up us legs, hold onto us jackets and  shek this hat.’

I laughed at this, imagining a tiny monkey wearing a waistcoat a bit like Pop’s.

‘Well, when the little lad gets to’t top o’t rope, Poof! He disappears.’  Pop snapped his fingers, ‘no sign of him. We looked all ovver’t place but he’d vanished into thin air.’

‘But where did he go?’

‘Nay lass, doan’t ask me but summat else had disappeared an’ all.’

‘What, not the monkey?’

‘Aye, him  - and he’d tekken all us wallets wi ‘im!’

  Day Forty One

Colonisation 18,000km apart

When the Vikings came to England in 9^th century, it wasn’t all beer and skittles.

 They were ruthless and vicious and the effects on land, people and language are still felt  today.  

  

 

King Cnut's (Canute) captured territories in red

In many parts of Northern England and Scotland, these invaders killed every man in the settlement.

Apart from the fact that the men would certainly kill them given half the chance, they had another reason for the slaughter.

These were not the shock troops who made swift sorties to grab gold and run home again, these were the colonisers.

They intended to stay, take the enforced widows as wives and force their culture on the locals. 

As many as 35, 000 Danish Vikings did just that as can be confirmed by archaeological finds and the research of many Viking specialists.

King Cnut (Canute) 

King Cnut didn't try to hold back the waves.  He was trying to prove to his sycophantic courtiers that contrary to their assertions, he was not all-powerful.   

Norse is still very near at hand in the North of England. Place names such as Gunnarside and Aysgarth are those given by the Vikings. 

Words which came with the invaders include: barn, anger, cake, egg and flat.

Perhaps it was this knowledge and the enduring impact of that Scandinavian takeover nearly 1,000 years later which resonated when I came from Yorkshire to New Zealand and began learning about Maori culture.

Maori waka taua (warship)

When I saw Maori waka, I could hardly believe how like the Viking longships they were.

Viking longship

The traditional stores houses of the Maori, called pātaka are very much like old Norse store houses. 

Pataka for storing food

This is not really surprising as the basic elevated design of both necessitated protection from rats and other opportunists.

 

Norwegian food store

Dwelling too were alike and that seemed quite strange to me because homes are constructed according to climate. 

Ancient Norwegian painted house

New Zealand and Norway are not comparable.

This is a  wharenui, Maori meeting house, not used for permanent residence but the design similarities are still remarkable.

 And then there’s the decoration. 

Maori kowhaiwhai pattern representing hammerhead sharks

 

Norse decoration

 Of course they're not identical, each one bears its own deep cultural significance but the two countries are some 18,000 kilometres apart. 

Is there any reason why they should have any similarities at all when traditional designs from places much nearer at hand, are totally different?